Friday, July 12, 2013

Five Unsuccessful Audition Personalities

Greetings Performers and Stars-to-be!

You've all been there...sitting, waiting for your name to be called. You're focused, prepared, pumped and ready to roll. You're confident, a little nervous maybe, but you know you're good. You're in the zone. Then the guy next to you starts coughing, sniffling, sucking mucous in and out, wiping his nose on his sleeve, trying to wipe his nose on your sleeve. What's he thinking? Trying out for a Louis Armstrong role? Because nobody's going to hire Typhoid Mary, or Mark as the case may be. Right? 

Here are five common audition personality types. Their flaws may not always be fatal, and in rare cases may even help them, but be careful, unless of course you're auditioning to play yourself. Your own cabaret show? Your own introspective interpretation of the Donner Party's ill fated trip? If you're selling your personality, front and center, even if you are a Goth Gorilla with a Belly Dancing Act, to thine own self be true. But if you're hoping for an existing role, consider turning the weird dial back a notch. 

5. The Croupy Crooner - He's gripping a half roll of toilet paper he pilfered from the bathroom, and looks like he slept in his clothes for a week. He's coughing and spitting like a llama. His eyes are runny and fixed straight ahead. You can feel his radiant fever ten feet out. He reeks like a bad nursing home. 

Why this person may not be cast: First, nobody wants to be near him, including the auditions team. He's probably contagious. Second, the auditions team can't tell how his un-sick voice sounds. Third, he's not winning any beauty contest. Fourth, seriously is he crazy? Stay in bed. Take it as a sign from God he's not supposed to audition. 

The exception: Maybe the show calls for a rasping, putrid toilet-paper thief. This means he must maintain said voice even if he gets well. 

4. The Ou-la-la Lady- Her face stays wide-eyed and innocent until she faces the auditions team. Then she purrs like a kitten and gives a sexy little pout. Her clothes accent the positive, mask the flawed and reveal skin people don't normally see. She wears heels, very tipsy high heels, the kind only girls like her and drag queens can stand up in. When she approaches the table, she leans forward directly in front the most masculine looking judge so he has a clear view of the topography. 

Why this person may not be cast: The person casting could in fact be the bookish old lady at the table, the one she ignored. Or the one she tried to impress may think women are icky. The most likely scenario is that the casting team is a group of professionals who won't appreciate the act. They have a job to do and should they cast Jessica Rabbit in a Doris Day role, their new careers might not be nearly as much fun.

The exception: There are, no doubt, certain shows that require this personality type, and there are some creepy unethical producers who have a personal affinity for tarts and harlots. Better to sell one's talent than one's body. 

3. The Uppity Liar - He waits confidently to be called, and as he waits he cooly watches those auditioning. He judges them with an air of superiority, nodding or shaking his head in turn. He jots down notes in his dime-store wire-bound note pad. As he approaches the table, he introduces himself as though he should be easily recognized and shakes hands with those who don't recoil and reach for the hand sanitizer. His resume is impressive. He's played everywhere from Broadway to Vegas and his training includes Really Big Names. He mentions that he knows the owner of the company, that they are distant relatives if one goes far enough back (to Noah). Vince was his vocal coach, you know, Vince Gill? 

Why this person may not be cast: The auditions team does not consist of one celled organisms. They can reason. If he knew all those people and was related to the rich and famous he wouldn't be auditioning for a theme park.  If the owner wanted him there, she would have called already. And Vince Gill nodding at him while he's humming and mopping the floor outside the green room does not count as coaching. 

The exception: If it turns out he genuinely is royalty and hiring him would provide inestimable marquee value, he may get the gig, but if he's Prince William, why would he audition for a theme park? 

2. The Stage Momster- Although Mom isn't the one standing in front of the panel, she's the one auditioning. The kid is a miserable trained poodle, trying to look happy. She keeps one eye on the panel and one on mom who stands in the back of the room exaggeratedly mouthing the lyrics, demonstrating the choreography and showing real feeling as she squeezes her eyes closed for the money note.

Why this person may not be cast:  A child who doesn't wish to be onstage should not be forced to do so. Stage Momsters annoy people besides their unfortunate progeny.  They loudly read lines with the child, giving performance notes and making sure the child has not a single wasted moment for childish pursuits like using the restroom. They tell anybody who will listen and many who won't about their child's star status. They submit rewrites to the producers that would allow junior more face time onstage. There's no nerve like a Stage Momster's nerve.

The exception: Not every Stage Mom is a Momster. Some are loving parents supporting their child because the child asks to be involved. Mom would be just as happy if junior had chosen dance or softball or gymnastics. It's about the child, not the parent. But the Momsters.... Maybe they're doing unto their children what they wish their parents had done unto them. If you're reading and recognize yourself, listen up. Let your child follow her dreams, not yours. 

1. The Accidental Auditioner - He auditions because he saw a line outside a building, asked people what they were doing and got in line himself. He's wearing pants around his hips, an elmo t shirt and his hairstyle could best be described as tornado. When called to audition, he has no sheet music and no CD. He wants to sing an a cappella tune, a song he wrote about his dog and Elvis. He wails and contorts his face to show his depth of passion. 

Why this person may not be cast: This bears no explaining. 

The exception: There may be a microscopic chance that a person might wander in by accident and show unprecedented ability. Same odds as being hit by a dwarf star. 


Now don't you feel better? Surely you don't fall into one of these categories. 

That's all for now, my friends. Have a great audition! 



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